Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
