I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
