respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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