sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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