if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
no you cant smoke seaweed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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