It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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