wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
