remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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