We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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