I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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