Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Drake has all the answers
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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