Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
