mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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