i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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