We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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