It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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