Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
