Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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