we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
