i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
