if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
