It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
