I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
