As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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