My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
