Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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