You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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