I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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