We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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