Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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