there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
