Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
FUCK WHALES
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
