I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
