So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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