You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
what day is it and did you see me today?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
