if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
