Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
