I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
