the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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