Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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