How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's no shave November. This is our time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
