Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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