so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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