i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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