Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
