I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
