Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
