Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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