I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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