Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
