i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
